I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
