YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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