I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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