I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Enjoy the penises
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
