How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
