So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES