I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
