This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
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Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...