i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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