She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My ass is underappreciated
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
