Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
