found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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