found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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