The beer is more important than you right now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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