I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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