Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
