I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
