I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
