On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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