if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
