bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
