There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
