as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
