Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
