I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
