I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
