How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
