mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
