There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
