After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
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I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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