I skipped work to stalk him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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