The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
