Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
