God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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