I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
