Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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