Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
People in love make me want to vomit
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
