HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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