Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
