You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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