I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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