It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
