you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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