Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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