you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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