Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
