I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
