How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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