Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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