Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize
