maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
