Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
