just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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