I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
