Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
