The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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