she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
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I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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