dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
