Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
