She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
