Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
