Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Everclear isn't food dammit
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
